Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Crash and burnthe

Where to begin?  Since my last post I have endured Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Thanksgiving was really tough, I thought I was "ok", how wrong was I.  Right after dinner I started to get upset thinking about what was lost.  I tried to think of what I was grateful for and it was hard to do.  yes I am VERY thankful for my husband and my 2 kids, but it's so hard to only focus on the positive all the time.  I cried the entire way home from my mom's.  It was amazing to see my nephew, but also heart breaking to see Paige with him.  She should have a baby of her own to play with soon.
Then came wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but then again it was.  I should have started my period on Christmas day, I was really hoping for a positive test that day, but instead I got my period 2 days early on Dec. 23rd.  That upset me enough as it was.  Then a few days later when i thought it was going to end I started bleeding heavily.  It lasted only less than a day, but it just felt like another slap in the face, just another thing to deal with...haven't i dealt with enough?
And to top it all off a friend of mine whom I have become really close with throughout this whole process (she lost her baby 2 weeks before me) calls and tells me she is pregnant.  I am happy for her...I really am, but I keep coming back to the same question of why her and not me?  I feel horrible for being jealous, but I can't help it.  I know she understands why I feel this way, but I still feel bad that I didn't seem that supportive when she called to talk to me.