Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Crash and burnthe

Where to begin?  Since my last post I have endured Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Thanksgiving was really tough, I thought I was "ok", how wrong was I.  Right after dinner I started to get upset thinking about what was lost.  I tried to think of what I was grateful for and it was hard to do.  yes I am VERY thankful for my husband and my 2 kids, but it's so hard to only focus on the positive all the time.  I cried the entire way home from my mom's.  It was amazing to see my nephew, but also heart breaking to see Paige with him.  She should have a baby of her own to play with soon.
Then came wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but then again it was.  I should have started my period on Christmas day, I was really hoping for a positive test that day, but instead I got my period 2 days early on Dec. 23rd.  That upset me enough as it was.  Then a few days later when i thought it was going to end I started bleeding heavily.  It lasted only less than a day, but it just felt like another slap in the face, just another thing to deal with...haven't i dealt with enough?
And to top it all off a friend of mine whom I have become really close with throughout this whole process (she lost her baby 2 weeks before me) calls and tells me she is pregnant.  I am happy for her...I really am, but I keep coming back to the same question of why her and not me?  I feel horrible for being jealous, but I can't help it.  I know she understands why I feel this way, but I still feel bad that I didn't seem that supportive when she called to talk to me.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A month has passed.....

4 weeks ago we found out we lost our precious baby.  In my heart I feel it was a girl, we have no way of knowing as it was too early, but whenever I refer to the baby I use she, her, etc.  I feel like I have been on a roller coaster the past 4 weeks.  I have gone from being "OK" to screaming to being angry to crying and then back to being OK.  Today I am OK.

Today I  find myself at peace with the fact that our baby is no longer with us.  I am over the anger stage.  I still get sad and it upsets me to think where I would be now.  I would be 13.5 weeks today.  Just getting out of the first trimester and awaiting the next appointment to find out the gender.  Now here I sit, no baby bump, no baby.
We have hope now....we believe we will have the opportunity to have another baby.  Although it is a terrifying thought to be pregnant again, we will try again.

With the holidays right around the corner I am having mixed feelings.  A part of me doesn't want to participate in the festivities that come with Christmas, I just want to stay home with my husband and two kids.  Then again another part of me says I should go, get it over with.  Why do the holidays seem so hard?

Losing my baby will be with me forever, I will never forget, but I will continue to live and have hope.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Angel bracelets

So I had ordered a number of silicone bracelets to pass out to my family to help us remember my baby lost.  They say "Mommy of an angel", "daddy of an angel" sister of an angel", you get the idea. These came in the mail yesterday, I immediately opened the box and put on my bracelet.  I gave my husband Terry his, I told him he didn't have to wear it if he didn't want to. (he is a rough and tough Marine, so I gave him a way out..ha ha)  He said no way I am wearing this.  He slipped the baby clue bracelet on his wrist.  Tears came to my  eyes, this small piece of plastic is important to him, he IS a daddy of an angel and he feels it too.

My next stop was to my 6 year old daughter, I gave her the "sister of an angel" bracelet.  She looked at it, slipped it on her wrist and cried...and cried...and cried.  She wanted so much to be a big sister.  We sit for a long time while she cries and I hold her.   We listen to our baby's song.

 I have found comfort in the song "somewhere over the rainbow", I have decided that is where my baby is.  Over the rainbow where she can be happy and healthy and have no worries.  One day the rest of us will get there too.  It brings me a sense of peace to think of my baby being "somewhere" rather than just gone.  I will always hold this baby in my heart even if others forget, I never will.

Someday, I too will live "somewhere over the rainbow" and I hope my baby will be waiting for me on the other side.  

Friday, October 28, 2011

The procedure

After finding out we had lost the baby, the next day or so is kind of lost on me.  I had to make phone calls telling people our baby was gone.  I had to listen to the "I'm sorry".  Do they even know what they are sorry for?  I guess that is the normal reaction, the normal thing to say.  I don;'t want to hear I am sorry, I want my baby back.  I want to have that happy feeling again.
This takes up into Friday, October 21, surgery day.  I have to leave my little girl with a friend as we go to the hospital.  I try to hold it together as she clings to me crying.  She does not want me to go.  I don't want to go either.
We get to the hospital and go through the motions of preparing for surgery.  I have to answer the question a dozen times, "what are you here for?"  I hate saying it, I hate telling them I am getting a d&c because I know what question comes next, "how far along were you?"  Every time I have to answer that question another piece of me feels like it is being chipped away.
thankfully the procedure goes well.  No complications.  I am wheeled to the post-op room and they finally let Terry back in.  He asks how I am...all I can say is empty.  Literally, I felt empty.  I could feel that things that were there before had been removed.  My baby was gone. Really really gone.  The hope that this was a nightmare and I would wake up soon hit me in the face.  This was not a nightmare, this was my new reality.  I was empty.

The day I changed

October 19th, 2011, the day my whole life changed.  I had a terrible feeling all the way to the doctor's, Terry kept telling me to stop worrying, everything is fine.  This was suppose to be a happy day for us...our first appointment for our second child together, my third child.  
We go through the normal check-in, talk with the nurse, then the doctor walks in.  The excitement builds with the anticipation of seeing our baby on the monitor for the first time.  Today I am suppose to be 9 weeks 4 days pregnant with a due date of May 20th 2012.  I lay on the exam table, heart racing, waiting to see my baby.  Terry gets out the cell phone so he can snap a picture to take home to our other two kids.  The Doppler goes on my belly, the screen comes up....something doesn't seem right...maybe my dates are off, maybe I am not as far along as I thought.  The doctor wants to do a full ultrasound right away.  I am rushed over to another room where the ultrasound technician is waiting.  Again, I lay on the exam table, heart racing, the light are dimmed, the Doppler on my belly, we look at the screen and......nothing....nothing...  The ultrasound technician says to use the rest room and we will try a vaginal ultrasound, it may be too early to see the baby through a conventional belly ultrasound.  I go across the hall to the bathroom.  Before I open the door of the restroom, I know....I know...something is not right here.
I go back into the room and she does the vaginal ultrasound...we heart aches, tears start to flow, no one is saying anything, my head is screaming, there is nothing in there.  The tech finally says, the sac is empty, I am so sorry you have lost the baby.  The room spins, my head swirls....I cry.  Terry grabs me and hugs me, I can't breath, I can't think, I just want to go home.
We go back over to speak with the doctor.  What exactly is said is kind of fuzzy, I couldn't concentrate on a word that is said.  All I know is I had lost the baby about 3 weeks earlier and my body had absorbed what would have been.  That being said, my body still thought I was pregnant, it was not giving up.  So we have to schedule a d&c.  My worst nightmare has come true.  
I have changed....I gone from a happy mother of two awaiting the arrival of #3, to a devastated mother of 3, two living children and one that has died.  What?  Can this be real?  In the matter of minutes everything is different.  I am different!