Thursday, December 6, 2012

As I sit here today, thinking about the upcoming holidays I miss my babies.  The holidays see so much harder to get through when you have lost someone you love.  As my sister's due date approaches my heart aches.  I am so very excited to meet my new neice or nephew and for my sister and her husband to experience the joys of becoming new parents.  After their heart ache of losing baby Wyatt I am overcome with emotion for them to hear their baby cry for the first time.
As excited as I am for them my heart hurts for me.  I don't know if I will get the chance to hear that newborn cry again.  I don't know if I will experience the pains of labor.  I don't want the loss of my two babies to be the end.  I want/need to have a happy ending.  I need to feel as though my pain ended with a bit of join in the end.  Will I get that chance?  Will I see that joy?
I don't cry every day, but I do think of my babies every single day.  These thoughts don't consume me was they once had.  I can talk and think about my babies without tears in my eyes, but those tears are always in my heart.  
As the holidays approach I think of what I vowed on New year's eve last year....that we were saying F-you to 2011 and 2012 was going to be a much better year......boy were we wrong.  We started of the year with a more pain.  So do I dare say F-you to 2012 and hope for a better 2013?  For right now i have to live for RIGHT  NOW.  I have to live for the days I have with my living children and my husband today!
I can't wait to hold my new neice or nephew in the next few weeks.  I know it will cause a small heart break for me, but that tiny baby will still be loved all the same.  Maybe a little more because I now know what a miracle children are, what miracles the process of pregnancy and birth really are.  I just hope some day I get that miracle of my own.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Gabriel's Due Date

Today, October 27th, 2012 is the day I should be delivering a baby.  Today is the day that was going to make losing Noelle so much easier.  Yet here I sit with a flat belly, no labor pains, no baby growing inside me.  Today marks the day that was suppose to "fix" everything.  Today was suppose to bring me hope once again.  Yet here I sit with tears in my eyes feeling lost.  I never imagined I would be here.  I never imagined I would have two babies not here with me.  Two babies I was never able to hold...two babies that were gone too soon.

I can clearly hear Gabriel's heartbeat in my head, I can clearly see that tiny little face.  The stillness of his body as we looked at the monitor only to learn that our baby's tiny heart had stopped beating only days earlier.  

Today almost feels like an end of some end to what?  Gabriel has already been gone for more days than i want to count, so what is ending?  Should it be my sadness...some people think so.  Some people think I need help, some people think I need therapy.  I think I am dealing pretty well actually.

As the day is winding down and the night is taking over I feel overwhelmed with sadness.  This day is coming and going without a second thought.  This day means nothing to so many, but for me it will always mean something.  This is the another day I SHOULD have had a baby, but didn't.  This day is ending without anyone really remembering what should have been for today.  

I do not cry all the time, I DO think of my babies on a daily basis.  I am moving forward, my life goes on.  I am a changed person, but I am still living. 

As I sit here with tears in my eyes, a flat belly, no labor pains, and no baby growing inside me awaiting his arrival, it's hard to see my future.  It's hard to imagine what is in store for me. Never in a million years did I think I would be in this moment, so how am I to know what my future holds.  I know what I want, but will I get it?  Right now it feels a million miles away.

So rest my sweet baby and know that I love you and carry you everywhere I go.  Even if no one else remembers what today was suppose to bring, I will NEVER forget.

Friday, October 19, 2012

One year later....

Today marks the one year anniversary of losing our first baby Noelle.  I have been anticipating this day for months expecting the worst.  To tell you the truth it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I thought a lot about Noelle today.  Every move I made today I thought of her.

When I first got up I went through in my head how this day went only a year ago.  I remember every detail about the day after finding out our baby was gone.  My eyes watered, but no tears fell.  I felt confused and out of sorts for most of the day.  I couldn't understand WHY I wasn't crying all day, HOW I could continue on with my day as usual.  Then it hit me....I am healing.  I still love and miss my little girl, I still long to have that baby in my arms, but I am NOT broken.  I am changed, yes, but I am NOT totally broken.  

I have spoken Noelle's name more times today than I ever had before, even if most of those times I was speaking to myself.  I am healing.

I made no plans for the day expecting to be huddled in bed crying all day, but that didn't happen.  I did not cry today.  As the night winds down and I sit up alone, then maybe I will cry, but if I don't I know it's not a bad thing to not cry.  I am healing.

Time is a funny thing, in one way I feel like all of this happened a million years ago, it was so long ago that I cradled that tiny baby in my belly, but at the same time it feels like it all happened yesterday, but today, I am healing.  
I will always hold a place in my heart for her, I will always wonder what she looked like, who she would have grown up to be and wonder why she is no longer here with us.  She has taught me so much about life in her passing.  She was a tiny little thing that gave me and my family so much.  So to Noelle, I say thank.  Thank you baby girl.

As I sit here now and get all this down my eyes are welling with tears, but I know that I am healing and tears are a part of that process.  This will not be the last time I cry for my angel, but that's ok too.  I AM HEALING!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I am here

Here I am, I am still here.  It amazes me every day that I am still here, still breathing..  After all that we have been through I thought for sure the heart ache would take me, the pain would consume me.  But alas..I am here.

It has been 8 months 4 weeks 1 day since Noelle has been gone.  It has been 3 months 2 weeks 5 days since Gabriel has been gone.  It a lot of ways it seems like just yesterday that I lost my babies, but seems like a million years ago that I was actually pregnant.

We created a beautiful garden for a babies with engraved stones and rose bushes.  I take solace in looking out my back windows and seeing those beautiful flowers.  Whenever a new bud forms I feel like it's a message from my babies.

I would do ANYTHING at this moment to be pregnant have my babies back.  That feeling will never go away, but it doesn't consume me all day every day.  I have really good days and here and there really bad days.  I am still learning to live with this new me, this new life.  BUT I AM STILL HERE!

Monday, April 2, 2012


I am trying to come up with a memorial to honor our babies.  I always had a regret in the back of my mind that we never did anything when we lost our first baby.  Now I will not let it go this time.  We are trying to come up with names for our babies, I just can't stomach the thought of my poor beautiful babies with no names.  All along I have felt in my heart that our first baby was a girl and the second was a boy, so those are the names they will get.

But how do you find the perfect name?  How do you come up with something so perfect that more than likely no one but us will ever use them?  I want to hear someone say my babies' names.  I want and need to be validated that my babies are real, they were here, even for a short time, they were here!
Even though we only had weeks, those weeks were filled with more joy than I can describe.  We were happy, life was good.  How do I capture that in a name?  A memorial?  Nothing seems good enough for my babies.

My babies are so perfect and always will be, how do I honor that?

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Not a dream

This is not a dream.  I am not waking up soon.  This is my new reality.  I am the mother of 4.  The mother of two beautiful and full of life living children.  The mother of two tiny babies that never got to breath their first breaht of air.  Two tiny babies that I never got to hold.  Two tiny babies that will never know their brother and sister.  Two tiny babies, one of which I have never seen, one that I have seen both alive and well and weeks later still and unmoving with no heart beat.

We have decided to name our babies.  It kills me to think of them with no name, nothing for me to call them besides the babies.  In my heart I felt our first baby was a girl and the second was  boy, so we will find them fitting names.  Names meant for angels.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Another Baby Lost

On February 14, 2012 what we had been trying for, for months finally happened.  Two pinks lines on that little white stick.  Yes!  We were pregnant only 3 months after the loss of our 3rd child.  Due date was set for October 27, 2012, just about a week after the loss anniversary of the other baby.  We couldn't contain our excitement.

At 6 weeks 4 days we had our first ultrasound to confirm that indeed there was a baby in there this time.  It was AMAZING!!!  To see that little "tic tac" with it's heart beating furiously inside it's tiny body.  This time we had pictures to take home and the sound of that tiny heart forever in our ears.

With the excitement building we made the difficult decision on whether or not to tell our kids the news.  We decided that since Mom was feeling so crappy that we should tell them so they wouldn't worry why I wasn't feeling well.

For the next 3 weeks our little family talked over names, how to decorate the nursery, what we needed to buy to get ready for baby.  The kids were so excited!  Laughter and joy filled our home for that short period of time.

As March 29, 2012 drew closer my nerves were taking over.  With our first loss we found out at 9 weeks 4 days.  This appointment was set for 9 weeks 5 was all to similar for me, but I could hear that little heart beat in my head, calming me a little.  As I prepared for the appointment I prayed for God to please keep this baby safe and healthy, please let this baby be ours to keep this time around.

We arrive right on time to our appointment and wait...wait...wait.  We all know how that goes, arrive 10 minutes early, then wait until 20 minutes AFTER your appointment time to be seen.  Anyway, we take the familiar walk back to the exam room.  We discuss what I, as a pregnant mother, should and should not be doing.  We laugh and joke with the doctor and nurse about what a blessing for us this is.

The nurse brings in the mobile ultrasound so we can check the heart beat.  Like deja vu I feel the air thicken, something is not going as planned in this room all over again.  I begin to cry...I cry for "Our baby", I cry for my nephew Wyatt (whom my sister lost at 18 weeks, just 3 weeks after our first loss), I cry for what I am terrified to hear.  I barely hear the reassuring words of my husband and the doctor.

We are taken immediately over to the ultrasound technician.  I lay on the table, I watch the wand go on my stomach, and I see it.  A tiny head and body....unmoving. What I don't see is that little flicker that is the heart beating.  I watch as measurement after measurement is taken.  I listen and answer as question after question is asked of us.  I watch and try to take my eyes away because I know...but I want to have this one last look at my beautiful sweet baby.  I finally get up the nerve to say "everything is not all right is it?"  I get a sad "no it's not, I am sorry"

The room spins, my husband falls to me and we cry, cry as I only have done one time before.  I cry for what we can no longer have, I cry for my children whom I will have to again tell that they have lost a sibling, I cry for my husband, I cry for me.  Again, a piece of me is lost.

We move through the back hallway to the doctor's office...we wait.  She comes in with tears in her eyes and tells us the baby's heart stopped a couple days ago...JUST a couple days ago.  If we had been to her office a week earlier we would have seen a live baby, a beating heart, we would have continued to have that hope.

As I listen to the doctor talk of scheduling another d&c I look over at my husband (who has a preexisting heart condition) looking horrible.  The appointment ended with nurses franticly bringin him water and ice.  I have to call and inform my mom of our loss and tell her to get ot the doctors office.  I have to make the same call to my father, explaining that we needed him to take Terry to the ER while mom and I went to the hospital to register and get my bloodwork done for my surgery.

Terry ended up being fine,  a little nitro and he was "better" for lack of better word.

We met up at home and again had to tell our children that the baby died a couple days earlier, we lost another one.

Surgery was today, everything went as good as can be expected, my doctor even postponed her family vacation to come in and do my surgery.  Again we cried together before going in the OR.  I kissed my husband and told him I loved him,  I was wheeled to the cold sterile room full of nurses and anesesiologists.  I cried from the moment the mask is put on my face.  I cry.  That is the last thing I remember, gripping the corners of the bed and sobbing.

I wake up and instantly feel empty. An emptiness no one knows without having experienced a loss such as I have.  I have felt this emptiness twice in 5 months time.  And emptiness that never truly goes away, an emptiness that goes so deep there is no bottom.

So here I sit...again changed forever, less than 8 hours from the time my child was once again removed from my body.  I am changed...again.  I never thought I would feel the way I felt back in October ever again.....and I guess I don't feel that way is much worse this time.  This time I heard my baby's heart, this time I saw my baby, this time was suppose to be real.

So yes, again I am changed..I am now a mother of 4, 2 living children and 2 angels waiting for me.  I pray that one day I will hold my babies, I pray they are happy and healthy.  I pray for strength, I pray for God to forgive my anger.  But most of all I pray for something I KNOW I can not have, I pray to have my babies back.  I pray to see their faces.

How do I move on?  How do I accept?  How do I forgive?  How?  How?  How?