On February 14, 2012 what we had been trying for, for months finally happened. Two pinks lines on that little white stick. Yes! We were pregnant only 3 months after the loss of our 3rd child. Due date was set for October 27, 2012, just about a week after the loss anniversary of the other baby. We couldn't contain our excitement.
At 6 weeks 4 days we had our first ultrasound to confirm that indeed there was a baby in there this time. It was AMAZING!!! To see that little "tic tac" with it's heart beating furiously inside it's tiny body. This time we had pictures to take home and the sound of that tiny heart forever in our ears.
With the excitement building we made the difficult decision on whether or not to tell our kids the news. We decided that since Mom was feeling so crappy that we should tell them so they wouldn't worry why I wasn't feeling well.
For the next 3 weeks our little family talked over names, how to decorate the nursery, what we needed to buy to get ready for baby. The kids were so excited! Laughter and joy filled our home for that short period of time.
As March 29, 2012 drew closer my nerves were taking over. With our first loss we found out at 9 weeks 4 days. This appointment was set for 9 weeks 5 days...it was all to similar for me, but I could hear that little heart beat in my head, calming me a little. As I prepared for the appointment I prayed for God to please keep this baby safe and healthy, please let this baby be ours to keep this time around.
We arrive right on time to our appointment and wait...wait...wait. We all know how that goes, arrive 10 minutes early, then wait until 20 minutes AFTER your appointment time to be seen. Anyway, we take the familiar walk back to the exam room. We discuss what I, as a pregnant mother, should and should not be doing. We laugh and joke with the doctor and nurse about what a blessing for us this is.
The nurse brings in the mobile ultrasound so we can check the heart beat. Like deja vu I feel the air thicken, something is not going as planned in this room all over again. I begin to cry...I cry for "Our baby", I cry for my nephew Wyatt (whom my sister lost at 18 weeks, just 3 weeks after our first loss), I cry for what I am terrified to hear. I barely hear the reassuring words of my husband and the doctor.
We are taken immediately over to the ultrasound technician. I lay on the table, I watch the wand go on my stomach, and I see it. A tiny head and body....unmoving. What I don't see is that little flicker that is the heart beating. I watch as measurement after measurement is taken. I listen and answer as question after question is asked of us. I watch and try to take my eyes away because I know...but I want to have this one last look at my beautiful sweet baby. I finally get up the nerve to say "everything is not all right is it?" I get a sad "no it's not, I am sorry"
The room spins, my husband falls to me and we cry, cry as I only have done one time before. I cry for what we can no longer have, I cry for my children whom I will have to again tell that they have lost a sibling, I cry for my husband, I cry for me. Again, a piece of me is lost.
We move through the back hallway to the doctor's office...we wait. She comes in with tears in her eyes and tells us the baby's heart stopped a couple days ago...JUST a couple days ago. If we had been to her office a week earlier we would have seen a live baby, a beating heart, we would have continued to have that hope.
As I listen to the doctor talk of scheduling another d&c I look over at my husband (who has a preexisting heart condition) looking horrible. The appointment ended with nurses franticly bringin him water and ice. I have to call and inform my mom of our loss and tell her to get ot the doctors office. I have to make the same call to my father, explaining that we needed him to take Terry to the ER while mom and I went to the hospital to register and get my bloodwork done for my surgery.
Terry ended up being fine, a little nitro and he was "better" for lack of better word.
We met up at home and again had to tell our children that the baby died a couple days earlier, we lost another one.
Surgery was today, everything went as good as can be expected, my doctor even postponed her family vacation to come in and do my surgery. Again we cried together before going in the OR. I kissed my husband and told him I loved him, I was wheeled to the cold sterile room full of nurses and anesesiologists. I cried from the moment the mask is put on my face. I cry. That is the last thing I remember, gripping the corners of the bed and sobbing.
I wake up and instantly feel empty. An emptiness no one knows without having experienced a loss such as I have. I have felt this emptiness twice in 5 months time. And emptiness that never truly goes away, an emptiness that goes so deep there is no bottom.
So here I sit...again changed forever, less than 8 hours from the time my child was once again removed from my body. I am changed...again. I never thought I would feel the way I felt back in October ever again.....and I guess I don't feel that way again...it is much worse this time. This time I heard my baby's heart, this time I saw my baby, this time was suppose to be real.
So yes, again I am changed..I am now a mother of 4, 2 living children and 2 angels waiting for me. I pray that one day I will hold my babies, I pray they are happy and healthy. I pray for strength, I pray for God to forgive my anger. But most of all I pray for something I KNOW I can not have, I pray to have my babies back. I pray to see their faces.
How do I move on? How do I accept? How do I forgive? How? How? How?