Thursday, December 6, 2012

As I sit here today, thinking about the upcoming holidays I miss my babies.  The holidays see so much harder to get through when you have lost someone you love.  As my sister's due date approaches my heart aches.  I am so very excited to meet my new neice or nephew and for my sister and her husband to experience the joys of becoming new parents.  After their heart ache of losing baby Wyatt I am overcome with emotion for them to hear their baby cry for the first time.
As excited as I am for them my heart hurts for me.  I don't know if I will get the chance to hear that newborn cry again.  I don't know if I will experience the pains of labor.  I don't want the loss of my two babies to be the end.  I want/need to have a happy ending.  I need to feel as though my pain ended with a bit of join in the end.  Will I get that chance?  Will I see that joy?
I don't cry every day, but I do think of my babies every single day.  These thoughts don't consume me was they once had.  I can talk and think about my babies without tears in my eyes, but those tears are always in my heart.  
As the holidays approach I think of what I vowed on New year's eve last year....that we were saying F-you to 2011 and 2012 was going to be a much better year......boy were we wrong.  We started of the year with a more pain.  So do I dare say F-you to 2012 and hope for a better 2013?  For right now i have to live for RIGHT  NOW.  I have to live for the days I have with my living children and my husband today!
I can't wait to hold my new neice or nephew in the next few weeks.  I know it will cause a small heart break for me, but that tiny baby will still be loved all the same.  Maybe a little more because I now know what a miracle children are, what miracles the process of pregnancy and birth really are.  I just hope some day I get that miracle of my own.

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