Today, October 27th, 2012 is the day I should be delivering a baby. Today is the day that was going to make losing Noelle so much easier. Yet here I sit with a flat belly, no labor pains, no baby growing inside me. Today marks the day that was suppose to "fix" everything. Today was suppose to bring me hope once again. Yet here I sit with tears in my eyes feeling lost. I never imagined I would be here. I never imagined I would have two babies not here with me. Two babies I was never able to hold...two babies that were gone too soon.
I can clearly hear Gabriel's heartbeat in my head, I can clearly see that tiny little face. The stillness of his body as we looked at the monitor only to learn that our baby's tiny heart had stopped beating only days earlier.
Today almost feels like an end of some kind....an end to what? Gabriel has already been gone for more days than i want to count, so what is ending? Should it be my sadness...some people think so. Some people think I need help, some people think I need therapy. I think I am dealing pretty well actually.
As the day is winding down and the night is taking over I feel overwhelmed with sadness. This day is coming and going without a second thought. This day means nothing to so many, but for me it will always mean something. This is the another day I SHOULD have had a baby, but didn't. This day is ending without anyone really remembering what should have been for today.
I do not cry all the time, I DO think of my babies on a daily basis. I am moving forward, my life goes on. I am a changed person, but I am still living.
As I sit here with tears in my eyes, a flat belly, no labor pains, and no baby growing inside me awaiting his arrival, it's hard to see my future. It's hard to imagine what is in store for me. Never in a million years did I think I would be in this moment, so how am I to know what my future holds. I know what I want, but will I get it? Right now it feels a million miles away.
So rest my sweet baby and know that I love you and carry you everywhere I go. Even if no one else remembers what today was suppose to bring, I will NEVER forget.