Saturday, October 27, 2012

Gabriel's Due Date

Today, October 27th, 2012 is the day I should be delivering a baby.  Today is the day that was going to make losing Noelle so much easier.  Yet here I sit with a flat belly, no labor pains, no baby growing inside me.  Today marks the day that was suppose to "fix" everything.  Today was suppose to bring me hope once again.  Yet here I sit with tears in my eyes feeling lost.  I never imagined I would be here.  I never imagined I would have two babies not here with me.  Two babies I was never able to hold...two babies that were gone too soon.

I can clearly hear Gabriel's heartbeat in my head, I can clearly see that tiny little face.  The stillness of his body as we looked at the monitor only to learn that our baby's tiny heart had stopped beating only days earlier.  

Today almost feels like an end of some end to what?  Gabriel has already been gone for more days than i want to count, so what is ending?  Should it be my sadness...some people think so.  Some people think I need help, some people think I need therapy.  I think I am dealing pretty well actually.

As the day is winding down and the night is taking over I feel overwhelmed with sadness.  This day is coming and going without a second thought.  This day means nothing to so many, but for me it will always mean something.  This is the another day I SHOULD have had a baby, but didn't.  This day is ending without anyone really remembering what should have been for today.  

I do not cry all the time, I DO think of my babies on a daily basis.  I am moving forward, my life goes on.  I am a changed person, but I am still living. 

As I sit here with tears in my eyes, a flat belly, no labor pains, and no baby growing inside me awaiting his arrival, it's hard to see my future.  It's hard to imagine what is in store for me. Never in a million years did I think I would be in this moment, so how am I to know what my future holds.  I know what I want, but will I get it?  Right now it feels a million miles away.

So rest my sweet baby and know that I love you and carry you everywhere I go.  Even if no one else remembers what today was suppose to bring, I will NEVER forget.

Friday, October 19, 2012

One year later....

Today marks the one year anniversary of losing our first baby Noelle.  I have been anticipating this day for months expecting the worst.  To tell you the truth it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I thought a lot about Noelle today.  Every move I made today I thought of her.

When I first got up I went through in my head how this day went only a year ago.  I remember every detail about the day after finding out our baby was gone.  My eyes watered, but no tears fell.  I felt confused and out of sorts for most of the day.  I couldn't understand WHY I wasn't crying all day, HOW I could continue on with my day as usual.  Then it hit me....I am healing.  I still love and miss my little girl, I still long to have that baby in my arms, but I am NOT broken.  I am changed, yes, but I am NOT totally broken.  

I have spoken Noelle's name more times today than I ever had before, even if most of those times I was speaking to myself.  I am healing.

I made no plans for the day expecting to be huddled in bed crying all day, but that didn't happen.  I did not cry today.  As the night winds down and I sit up alone, then maybe I will cry, but if I don't I know it's not a bad thing to not cry.  I am healing.

Time is a funny thing, in one way I feel like all of this happened a million years ago, it was so long ago that I cradled that tiny baby in my belly, but at the same time it feels like it all happened yesterday, but today, I am healing.  
I will always hold a place in my heart for her, I will always wonder what she looked like, who she would have grown up to be and wonder why she is no longer here with us.  She has taught me so much about life in her passing.  She was a tiny little thing that gave me and my family so much.  So to Noelle, I say thank.  Thank you baby girl.

As I sit here now and get all this down my eyes are welling with tears, but I know that I am healing and tears are a part of that process.  This will not be the last time I cry for my angel, but that's ok too.  I AM HEALING!