Friday, October 19, 2012

One year later....

Today marks the one year anniversary of losing our first baby Noelle.  I have been anticipating this day for months expecting the worst.  To tell you the truth it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I thought a lot about Noelle today.  Every move I made today I thought of her.

When I first got up I went through in my head how this day went only a year ago.  I remember every detail about the day after finding out our baby was gone.  My eyes watered, but no tears fell.  I felt confused and out of sorts for most of the day.  I couldn't understand WHY I wasn't crying all day, HOW I could continue on with my day as usual.  Then it hit me....I am healing.  I still love and miss my little girl, I still long to have that baby in my arms, but I am NOT broken.  I am changed, yes, but I am NOT totally broken.  

I have spoken Noelle's name more times today than I ever had before, even if most of those times I was speaking to myself.  I am healing.

I made no plans for the day expecting to be huddled in bed crying all day, but that didn't happen.  I did not cry today.  As the night winds down and I sit up alone, then maybe I will cry, but if I don't I know it's not a bad thing to not cry.  I am healing.

Time is a funny thing, in one way I feel like all of this happened a million years ago, it was so long ago that I cradled that tiny baby in my belly, but at the same time it feels like it all happened yesterday, but today, I am healing.  
I will always hold a place in my heart for her, I will always wonder what she looked like, who she would have grown up to be and wonder why she is no longer here with us.  She has taught me so much about life in her passing.  She was a tiny little thing that gave me and my family so much.  So to Noelle, I say thank.  Thank you baby girl.

As I sit here now and get all this down my eyes are welling with tears, but I know that I am healing and tears are a part of that process.  This will not be the last time I cry for my angel, but that's ok too.  I AM HEALING!

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