Friday, October 28, 2011

The day I changed

October 19th, 2011, the day my whole life changed.  I had a terrible feeling all the way to the doctor's, Terry kept telling me to stop worrying, everything is fine.  This was suppose to be a happy day for us...our first appointment for our second child together, my third child.  
We go through the normal check-in, talk with the nurse, then the doctor walks in.  The excitement builds with the anticipation of seeing our baby on the monitor for the first time.  Today I am suppose to be 9 weeks 4 days pregnant with a due date of May 20th 2012.  I lay on the exam table, heart racing, waiting to see my baby.  Terry gets out the cell phone so he can snap a picture to take home to our other two kids.  The Doppler goes on my belly, the screen comes up....something doesn't seem right...maybe my dates are off, maybe I am not as far along as I thought.  The doctor wants to do a full ultrasound right away.  I am rushed over to another room where the ultrasound technician is waiting.  Again, I lay on the exam table, heart racing, the light are dimmed, the Doppler on my belly, we look at the screen and......nothing....nothing...  The ultrasound technician says to use the rest room and we will try a vaginal ultrasound, it may be too early to see the baby through a conventional belly ultrasound.  I go across the hall to the bathroom.  Before I open the door of the restroom, I know....I know...something is not right here.
I go back into the room and she does the vaginal ultrasound...we heart aches, tears start to flow, no one is saying anything, my head is screaming, there is nothing in there.  The tech finally says, the sac is empty, I am so sorry you have lost the baby.  The room spins, my head swirls....I cry.  Terry grabs me and hugs me, I can't breath, I can't think, I just want to go home.
We go back over to speak with the doctor.  What exactly is said is kind of fuzzy, I couldn't concentrate on a word that is said.  All I know is I had lost the baby about 3 weeks earlier and my body had absorbed what would have been.  That being said, my body still thought I was pregnant, it was not giving up.  So we have to schedule a d&c.  My worst nightmare has come true.  
I have changed....I gone from a happy mother of two awaiting the arrival of #3, to a devastated mother of 3, two living children and one that has died.  What?  Can this be real?  In the matter of minutes everything is different.  I am different!

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