Friday, October 28, 2011

The procedure

After finding out we had lost the baby, the next day or so is kind of lost on me.  I had to make phone calls telling people our baby was gone.  I had to listen to the "I'm sorry".  Do they even know what they are sorry for?  I guess that is the normal reaction, the normal thing to say.  I don;'t want to hear I am sorry, I want my baby back.  I want to have that happy feeling again.
This takes up into Friday, October 21, surgery day.  I have to leave my little girl with a friend as we go to the hospital.  I try to hold it together as she clings to me crying.  She does not want me to go.  I don't want to go either.
We get to the hospital and go through the motions of preparing for surgery.  I have to answer the question a dozen times, "what are you here for?"  I hate saying it, I hate telling them I am getting a d&c because I know what question comes next, "how far along were you?"  Every time I have to answer that question another piece of me feels like it is being chipped away.
thankfully the procedure goes well.  No complications.  I am wheeled to the post-op room and they finally let Terry back in.  He asks how I am...all I can say is empty.  Literally, I felt empty.  I could feel that things that were there before had been removed.  My baby was gone. Really really gone.  The hope that this was a nightmare and I would wake up soon hit me in the face.  This was not a nightmare, this was my new reality.  I was empty.

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